Do I pee standing or sitting?

So today I went to the Utah Department of Public Health award banquet and they gave out awards for 5, 10, 15, 20 and 25 years of service. They also announced all the new employees that were hired in the past year. The director gets to my name and says, "Knee-uh Win has been here for almost an entire and she has impressed everyone with her hard work." Hmm, do you see a problem here? I stand up and yell out, "But I'm a dude!!" Everyone starts laughing of course. Ha ha, evidently there's a tranny that is working for the state and it's me! I think with the emotional trauma that I suffered I should be able to take some long term sick and seek therapy. Maybe I should change my name to something as rugged as the Marlboro Man. Do you think I would make a good, "Chuck"? That's a good gender specific name. Maybe that's why I have trouble with the ladies? Could it be that when I'm hitting on them they actually think I'm asking them to go shopping and make table settings? Damn me for embracing too much of my inner woman. My friend Jessi teased me when I first moved to San Diego cause she said I became a "dude". I guess this meant I was going to the bars with my guy friends and trying to find gals to play with my tingly parts. Luckily for all of my female friends, I eased back into my role of being not only "one of the girls", but also "one of the boys". Evidently I'm a social hermaphrodite.

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Putrid: (adj.) Decomposed and foul-smelling; rotten.

I feel like poo and I blame it on my obese and putrid coworker. He has had this hacking cough all week and of course he doesn't cover his mouth or anything. Luckily he doesn't sit right next to me, but we do share a cubicle which means he's a mere 8 feet away. On a good day, he smells like mildewy clothes you forgot to throw in the dryer. On a bad day, when he walks by it's like getting gang banged by decaying corpses and after he passes by and I think I'm safe, I get donkey punched by his body odor. I am not sure how his wife puts up with him. He is married to a dainty Chinese woman. We thought she may have married him for his U.S. citizenship, but they have procreated 5 times and say "Love You" whenever she calls his office phone which is 7.43 times a day on average. It's quite disgusting to say the least.

On a less graphic note and happier go lucky note, this week on, "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia" will be Nightman Cometh. For those of you who are self centered and don't know me, this is one of my favorite TV shows. This episode will be a rock opera based on the infamous Nightman.



Night Man, sneaky and mean

Spider inside my dreams

I think I love you

You make me wanna cry. You make me wanna die.

I love you, I love you, I love you,I love you, I love you

Night Man.

Every night you come into my room

And pin me down with your strong arms

You pin me down, and I try to fight you

You come inside me You fill me up

And I become the Night Man...


It's just 2 men sharing the night. It might seem wrong but it's just right. It's just 2 men sharing each other. It's just 2 men like loving brothers. One on top and one on bottom. One inside and one is out. One is screaming, he's so happy. The other's screamin' a passionate shout.


It's the Night Man. I'm feeling so wrong and right, man. I'm feeling so wrong and right, man. I can't fight you, man. When you come inside me And pin me down with your strong hands And I become the Night...the passionate, passionate Night Man.


They took you, Night Man, and you don't belong to them. They locked me in a world of darkness without your sexy hands And I miss you, Night Man, so
ba-a-ad

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Don't wanna wake up with someone inside of me

So my friend Lindsey and I were at a dive bar, Johnny's on 2nd, last night and she bummed a cig from a dude from South Boston who was watching the Patriots game. He talked to me, Lindsey and Russ for a while. He asks for our numbers after the game and he leaves. About 10 minutes later I get a text and here is the conversation.

Tyler Trainer: I live 3 blocks away from the bar...cum over
Nghia: cum over? do you want both lindsey and i to cum over or do you want russ and i? wink wink
T: she can cum if u want but i was hoping i would get my first taste of vietnamese lol
T: i'm bi & if ur friend linz wants sum of me i would be more than happy 2 help her out
N: wowzers! i don't think my mama raised me like that!
T: My bad man i thought you were bi like me
N: no worries dude, it happens to the best of us
T: That's all good man its ur loss
T: Thats awesome cum 2 my place & let me mack on u
T: Cum on man u wont regret i swear
N: would i regret it in the morning? would i get any waffles? what if joe smith doesn't approve?
T: I just wanna kiss u & if joe smith disapproves then thats fine lol lol
N: Pretty sure I like the vag
T: Thats cool so ur not down ? rite ?
N: Absolutely not! my body is a temple!
T: I aint got time 2 play games ho chi minh
N: I don't want it in the eyes!
T: OK u will still luv it
N: I don't have my safety glasses with me
T: picture of his penis with the caption "It isn't even hard yet"
N: No bueno No bueno! your mama in southie did not raise you like that!

Hmm, do I appear homosexual in the slightest? Wowzers is all I have to say. If I tried to come on that strong with a girl I'm sure I would have gotten the police called on me. Maybe I should have reacted violently? Luckily I'm not homophobic. I know some dudes would freak out and try to kick his ass. Oh well. It's all good clean fun until you wake up with someone's dick inside of your ass is what I always say. Here's a pic from last night, I think I look pretty hetero.

Update! At 2:18pm today, Mr. Trainer texted me this "Sorry about all that last night man i was buzzed as fuck can we just b friends?"
Not sure if I could be friends with someone who has texted me a picture of his penis and cause me to fear being violated in my sleep! What kind of friend do you think he wants to be? I am pretty sure I'm not down with being friends with benefits since I'm a smidgen heterosexual after all.

Update #2 at 9:16PM, Mr Trainer texted me this "Hey man i just wanted 2 apologize 2 u again 4 the other nite i wont ever talk mad shit 2 u like that ever again friends? cool?" It's like I'm having a best fight with my best friend or something! Pretty sure this guy who I talked to for 10 minutes is not my BFF!

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It's a fine line between Saturday night and Sunday morning

In the wise words of Mr. Jimmy Buffett, "It's a fine line between Saturday night and Sunday morning. At some point last night I got drunk and engaged in my normal hooliganism. It was a friend's birthday, so it was a good reason to rally my old ass. I'm not a religious man, but I do have pretty strict morals that I live by. However, these morals are my personal morals and I do not give a fuck if other people agree or disagree with them unless they somehow directly effect my life. So Proposition 8 is a big deal in Utah even though it is California legislature. Who the hell cares if same sex people get married? Supporters of Prop 8 claim that they do not want to take any rights away from homosexual couples, but they just want to protect the sanctity of marriage. I'm not sure about you, but I never voted on the legality of marriage between a man and a woman. The whole notion of heterosexual marriage could possibly make me nauseous. Religious zealots are like Sunday vampires, somebody should put a Prop 8 campaign sign stake in their chest. Oh yeah, talking about sheltered and naive sons of bitches, my coworker thought rum and cokes were rum and cocaine.

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Welfare Line

Can anyone point me to the end of the welfare line? Do I have to get a wrist band or do I just camp out? I want to get a good spot in line when they "redistribute the wealth" of our great nation. Why not take money from the working class and subsidize the existence of the "poor and downtrodden"? Seems like a brilliant idea! I'm from a poor and downtrodden family, shouldn't we be rewarded for striving to improve ourselves socioeconomically?

The messiah's health care seems like a great idea. Hip hip hooray! Everyone is covered and everyone is happy! Hmm, initial estimates are that implementing this plan would cost upwards of 60 billion. What are the annual costs going to be to maintain this coverage? Is there a cap on how much will be spent? What's going to stop people from merely paying their premiums only when they know they have a catastrophic medical issue?

Obama is not our lord and savior. He is not going to absolve us of all sin. Do you suckers really think he is going to snap his finger and all of our poor personal decisions are going to magically disappear? We should take responsibility for our own actions. Fuck you to all the "get rich quick" house flippers. Fuck you to people living beyond your means. I have a decent job and have a cheap car and live at my folks house. Why? Is it because Mama Nguyen does my laundry and keeps the evil girls away? No, it's because I have a shit load of student loan debt. It's called knowing your limits. Learn some fiscal responsibility people. Lets not declare bankruptcy and put our personal mistakes upon somebody else. Be a minimalist if you need to. You don't need a fancy car, a fancy phone or a fancy house. Make do with what you have. Santa is our Lord and Savior. He knows who's been naughty and who's been nice.

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Halloween

I went out for a couple of hours. I was pretty sober. Sobriety is for losers and old people. I'm both a loser and an old person. Peace out!

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Fuck it, I'm at Buffett

Back into your Delorean my fateful readers. Type in Oct 29th 2008 @ 10:47AM. I wake up after my lovely binge drinking and power walking night. I'm starving and put on my party pants to get ready for some wholesome Jimmy Buffett partying. I fill up a lovely Styrofoam cooler with beer and vodka. We proceed to bong some beers like the children of God that we are. "The Man" hassles me saying that I have to leave because the cooler because the vodka bottle is glass. I stash the cooler under an unused black jack table and return to the preparty. I'm just having some good clean fun when some heathens put dollar bills in my trousers to use my beer bong. Of course "The Man" witnesses this and accuses me of not only reselling alcohol, but also selling alcohol to underagers. For the 2nd time within an hour I am asked to leave, but this time they threaten to arrest me for trespassing if I come back. Of course I come back all incognito. By incognito, I mean I carried my hat and put on a shirt. I partied for a few hours without any trouble, but then I ended up on stage beer bonging and as I am leaving the stage, "The Man" is waiting for me. They threaten to arrest me, but I choose my guile, cunning and charm to convince them to just escort me off the premises and to promise not to return. Luckily it was almost time for the concert so I wondered down to the MGM. I drank some more on the way there. Snuck down to the floor with my friend Gretano and drank a smidgen there. Saw myself on the JumboTron and after the show we staggered to the Hooters pool for a lil more fun. Woke up Sunday morning realizing that I had not eaten anything since Friday at 5pm. I had 3 meals in a 2 hour window to make up for it. Very Healthy I'm sure. The end.

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Peer Pressure

Ms. Sellers is getting on my ass about maintaining my blog which I think is absolute bull shit. Whoever reads this post needs to hop in their fucking Delorean and take a ride with Marty McFly back to Oct 28th at 10am. I went to Vegas for Jimmy Buffett. Arrived in Vegas at 8:27PM. Got to hotel at approximately 9:06PM. We go to some Jimmy Buffett private party thinger dinger. Needless to say, I get shit fucked. I sometimes have impulse control issues. I drank until about 4am or so. At this time I realized that I forgot to bring saline solution, a toothbrush and flip flops. All essentials for a Jimmy Buffett weekend. So of course I think it's a brilliant idea to meander down the strip to find a Walgreens. It takes me almost an hour to get there in my drunken stupor. I ended up buying saline, a toothbrush, gummy bears and women's flip flops cause they were the cheapest available. Good times, good times! I eventually wake up the next morning and discover I have blisters on my feet and a pocket full of gummy bears.

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The Lord's House

I am a virgin blogger. It feels kind of awkward like when you have carnal relations with a chicken for the first time. I will rehash my last few weeks. I performed my best friend's wedding. I pretty much kicked ass in the lord's house. Rev Nghia threw down some funky ass shit for shizzle. After a lil drinkie drinkie at the reception I broke out the Hasidic Jew outfit. Nothing says dignity and respect like a Jew nose, top hat and bling bling necklace. After the reception I went to my other best friend's birthday/Halloween party in my Jew outfit. I got drunk, the end. Oh yeah, pretend I wrote this blog on the 19th of October.

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