My love is like a seed, baby, just needs time to grow

2010 has sucked ass. At one time I couldn't wait until this year was over, but little by little I realized that wishing it would be over would only reduce the time you'd have with the people you care about. Life, death and heart ache are a good sequeway to baptisms for the dead which are performed by the Church of Latter Day Saints aka The Mormons. I'm not a big fan of proxy baptisms. How would you feel if generations later your family found out that your name was on the Nazi registry? Probably not so keen on that idea. I'm not comparing the LDS Church to the Nazis, but I just think it's ree-dick-urous that anyone would think it's ok with sign someone up for an organization without your consent. I've had friends defend this practice by saying that it's just presenting a deceased person with an option and it's not forced upon them. Shouldn't this person have taken up this option when they had a choice when they were alive?

So for the past year I've been basically a homebody with random benders thrown in there. My last bender was in beautiful Minneapolis. For those of you who have never been to Minnesota in January, it's cold as fuck! I went to a lovely drug and alcohol conference all week and then come Friday I was ready to do a lil' research on what I learned. I meet up with a dear friend I hadn't seen in a while and have a lovely dinner and head off to a discotheque. Lo and behold the club is having a drink special and it's $1 vodka Redbulls. Next thing I know I'm doing inverted tricks on the stripper pole and random girl is giving me money and buying me shots. Mind you, I've basically been a homebody for the past year. I end up yacking in the backseat of a Mercedes. I made such a good impression on my friend's new friends. Why the hell is a person of my advanced age acting like that? It's a fine line between having fun and making a fool of yourself.

I've reached a point in my life that I think I need to leave my past behind. I really need to balance responsibility with recklessness, being compassionate with being callous, hermit versus social butterfly, not everything needs to be either extreme. In the bluesy words of Janis Joplin, "Oh, to make up my mind, I gotta make up my mind. Oh, my love is like a seed, baby, just needs time to grow."

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You see you don't have to live like a refugee

I have not blogged in many many moons. I took a trip to the homeland. It was eye opening, not just because my eyes are slanty either. Randi and I saw many things. We saw how the extremely poor lived and then lived it up deluxe style at a beach front resort. We saw places 1 day before the typhoon hit. We saw flooding and we saw lots of beer. We went to a western saloon in Da Nang with a Filipino band covering American rock and roll. We karaoked with locals and ate exotic foods. We walked and we sweated. Maybe if i feel motivated I'll post some pictures.

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Comfortably Numb

My brain is mush and I have been having trouble sleeping, one could say that I've become Comfortably Numb. Pink Floyd is quite soothing however. Come on, now. I hear you're feeling down. Well I can ease your pain, Get you on your feet again. This is a pretty damn fine song, but most definitely not the feel good song of the year. We all get into our ruts and one option is to drown your feelings with booze and drugs. I've been there done that. In my advanced age I've learned that being apathetic isn't always the way to go. My heart is still a cold dark place where dreams go to die, but I don't think I have to force the emotions out as much nowadays. The burning cauldron of hate is still there, but now I think there are rainbows and unicorns and homos and heteros dancing in harmony.

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Waking up with the lord's dick in your butt

It was pride week. Of course this is a great time for the gay freaks and the religious zealots to come out and battle it out. I prefer the gay freaks cause they're pretty amusing and sure know how to have a good time. The religious zealots I could do without cause they are pretty much narrow minded sons of bitches. I have little respect for people using religion to base their hatred of a group, but when they try to add some sweet science to their argument it just sickens me as a scientist. I've heard such retarded claims based on just basic anatomy. I always thought a hole was a hole? Ok, I'm done. This was a weak blog, but I am rusty. Hi Jessi!

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Wine and Government Cheese Party

As I watched today's inauguration tears were welling up in my eyes. Not! Does the hysteria surrounding have more to do with his race or his ideas? It is sad that any perceived criticism of the man is viewed as racism rearing its ugly head once again. It does not help that the liberal media always focuses on the ignorant critics who make ree dick urous claims such as Obama is a Muslim or a terrorist. Obama makes claims of "reform and change", however, has he laid out how he plans on accomplishing these reforms? His powers of oration are beyond reproach, but where is the substance? He speaks of reaching out to the common man to provide a helping hand, but what does he plan on doing when the helping hand is taken advantaged of and ends up engaging in a "Dutch Rudder"? If you're not aware of this term, it is having someone complete the act of masturbation by pulling up and down on the forearm, while the male holds his own penis. Thanks Jessi for adding that lovely term to my repertoire! It may seem a wee bit too pessimistic, but I think that humans are inherently lazy creatures who will take advantage of handouts. Humans are no different then bears and coyotes who get used to scavenging through trash cans and realize that it is easier to do that then to actually expend the energy to hunt. Why get a minimum wage job when you can sit on your ass and get public assistance in the form of welfare checks, food stamps, or government cheese? I'm tempted to quit my job and throw the world's biggest and baddest Wine and Government Cheese Party!

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Girls Just Wanna Have Fun!

Sexism runs rampant in Las Vegas! Susan B. Anthony would be horrified with the way women are treated! They are not only allowed to bypass club lines, but they also avoid paying the ridiculous cover charges! The travesty doesn't end there! Once they get into these clubs, a plethora of men are lining up to offer to buy them drinks! So I was in Vegas this weekend for a dear friend's 30th birthday party. I basically spent 3 days completely drunk. It was good times to say the least. I heard about The Blue Man Group having student tickets for a mere $35 instead of the regular $110, however only one of us was a student so this proved to be problematic. I located an old stoner looking ID card of mine and with mine and Jenny's ID I was able to seduce the ticket counter girl with my debonair charm to get 7 discount tickets! It was a real cool show and they took Jenny on stage for a while. Good times were had by all! After The Blue Man Group we karaoked like mother fuckers! Jenny and Lindsey did a beautiful rendition of "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun", the 3 of us sang Paula Abdul's timeless classic, "Straight Up" and then finally Lindsey and I sang Bon Jovi's passionate song of heartbreak, "Shot Through the Heart". Of course with the chance to memorize our performances on DVD, we could not say no. Our noggins are hurting the next day, so what is the reasonable thing to do? Order Advil from room service of course! For a mere $2.50 the staff at the Wynn will deliver 2 Advils to your door. That's quite the bargain when you consider a 6 inch round bowl of cashews costs $45! We do some more power drinking and take a lil nap later that afternoon to prepare for the next night. So a friend of a friend puts all of us on the "guest list" at the fancy new club that opened on New Years at Encore. We get there and ask door guy where the "guest list" line is and he points us in the right direction. We talk to a guy with a clipboard there and he eventually tells us that they got rid of the guest list tonight because it got too busy. Bull shit I say! I ask him if he knows who I am? That does not get the appropriate response so I just crane kick him in the face! Ok, that last part was totally fabricated. The reality of it is that I sent a couple of the girls to talk to him and when that proved to be unsuccessful, we just walked away with our tails between our legs. Luckily we were able to scam our ways into Tryst and that was good times except for the $15 drinks. After Tryst we went to Drai's for a lil after hours action. I will not go into any specifics, but both places were good clean fun for the whole family!

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Do I pee standing or sitting?

So today I went to the Utah Department of Public Health award banquet and they gave out awards for 5, 10, 15, 20 and 25 years of service. They also announced all the new employees that were hired in the past year. The director gets to my name and says, "Knee-uh Win has been here for almost an entire and she has impressed everyone with her hard work." Hmm, do you see a problem here? I stand up and yell out, "But I'm a dude!!" Everyone starts laughing of course. Ha ha, evidently there's a tranny that is working for the state and it's me! I think with the emotional trauma that I suffered I should be able to take some long term sick and seek therapy. Maybe I should change my name to something as rugged as the Marlboro Man. Do you think I would make a good, "Chuck"? That's a good gender specific name. Maybe that's why I have trouble with the ladies? Could it be that when I'm hitting on them they actually think I'm asking them to go shopping and make table settings? Damn me for embracing too much of my inner woman. My friend Jessi teased me when I first moved to San Diego cause she said I became a "dude". I guess this meant I was going to the bars with my guy friends and trying to find gals to play with my tingly parts. Luckily for all of my female friends, I eased back into my role of being not only "one of the girls", but also "one of the boys". Evidently I'm a social hermaphrodite.

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